Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
