what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
