I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
