Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
They took my balls.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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