There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
