I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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