We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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