I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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