Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
