We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
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