HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
