i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
