we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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