The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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