I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
