Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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