If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
