I'd wear matching sweaters with you
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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