I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
