I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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