He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
