$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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