Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
