You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
