Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
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