According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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