He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I fill condoms, not promises.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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