Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
