don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
