things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
