Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
