I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
