and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
