I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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