I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
