im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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