It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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