Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
