i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
