Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
