party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
