Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
