You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
