I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
