You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
