i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
