my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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