I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
