the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize