What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
this beer tastes like vomit already
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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