There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
