Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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