Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
