im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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