I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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