Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
