Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
