i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
