I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
